Saturday, December 30, 2006
A Vision of A New Beginning.
I slipped the turtle necked white sweater over my head. The temperature's getting chilly. It's almost sunset, and I don't want to miss the view of the sun setting over the mountains.
I tucked my bag containing my laptop, digital camera, and Internet modem under my left arm. On my right, a bottle of wine balanced, just to warm me up in this cold place.
I left the old manor house that I rented. I threaded the small cobblestones around the patio down the trail going to the mountains. I walked a about half a mile. Finally seeing a spot where I may contain myself, I sat down the worn grass.
The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Since I was young, I really wanted to get here, in Sagada. I don't know when my obsession with this place started, but since I heard of the name, something inside me tells me that I should go here. And at the age that marks the quarter of a century, I finally made it.
I made it a point to go here alone. I don't want anyone trailing me around and telling me stories about whatever goddamn things concern them all. This is my escape from the ever-demanding life that I have in Manila. I've been through a lot, and I desperately need this.
I opened the bottle of wine and drank it straight from the bottle. Warmth filled my body. It was a good way to fight off the chilly atmosphere. About three gulps and I put it down.
I set up my laptop and Internet modem. I waited for the signal that the modem had connected with the Internet. As soon as it beeped, I immediately opened my blog.
Ha. My blog. For a decade, I have tried profusely to keep a blog. A year or more, I would stick with one address, and when bored, move with another. Then, I'd get tired and I'd stop. Then I'll come back on the circle again. A never-ending cycle took me in this world.
I'd met a fair set of friends there. But no one lasted long enough to be somebody whom I can really rely on to. In my in and out cycle, I know I can never make friends with anyone that long.
Surfed and surfed. That's all I did until the darkness enveloped my surroundings. My wine bottle is almost empty. And I don’t know why the heck am I doing staying on that spot.
I stumbled upon something. Ah, good old Blogger. My first love, first listener, my ever-first. I punched in my account and ransacked my brain for my password. Having successfully remembering it, I opened the blogs I kept there.
And there I kept reading and reading. My dreams, my frustrations, my emotions, my everything, my life. Tears were flowing from my eyes, but still I would laugh my heart out. I can’t believe I can be this crazy. My youth was flowing out of me.
I laughed. I cried. I smiled. As I reminisced everything, I can only wonder on what I have done with my life.
Maybe, now's the time to start all over again.Thursday, December 28, 2006
Conflict Between Parents and Teenage Children.
Ever wonder why a conflict between a teenager and his/her parent is universal?
Ow, I've wondered about that quite a few times. As always, when you're in high school, you would not miss stories about your classmates having problems with their parents, regardless of what the cause of the problem was.
Even here in the blogging world, I've read posts, especially written by teens, bragging about their problems about their parents, most commonly those saying that their parents do not understand them at all.
When I think about it, I still cannot decipher why. I mean, why is it that parents always seem to misunderstand their own child? And why is it that the child cannot see through the sermons and limitations that the parents set for them?
Teenagers, as we grow and discover the world, feel and see certain things that are new to us. These things may lead to confusion. Our confusion may be turned to other things, for these other things may give us certainty and confidence in a world where we are just discovering things. These certain things may not be understandable to our parents, but these things, whatever they may be, is our choice. And choosing is a sign that we are growing on our own.
Parents, as we all know, worries about our future. Worrying for them is perpetual, for our good is their mindset. They don't like it that we make the wrong choices, for the wisdom that they've gained through the years taught them how harsh life can be.
These reasons are universal. Whatever may be the situation between a parent and a child, these things are always present. But these things also make it hard for both parties to understand each viewpoint.
So, where's the common ground?Monday, December 25, 2006
A Little Child.I want to rant about something so, SO unexpected that happened just this Christmas eve.
Where am I gonna start? Let's see. Take a look first at this picture.
Yup. It's a baby, alright. So, what's with this baby?
Remember that Surf commercial? The one with the baby named Moses [but has the name Anna imprinted on the clothing]?
It's almost like that. Almost. The difference is that this baby, only one-day old as of now [it's birthday is December 24, born around 1 o'clock in the morning], is a gift to my tito, from a family friend.
So, clearly, the baby is an ampon. There really is no problem. But the story behind the baby is too much for me to take.
The baby was bought from a midwife. The original price of the baby was P15,000, but the 'family friend' had it at P12,000. Diyos ko. Para ka lang bumili ng tuta sa pet shop. For God's sake! This is a kid! A Child!
Apparently, the midwife provides shelter for these pregnant, runaway women and when they have given birth, if they don't want their child, the midwife would sell their child at negotiable prices. Ayos din ang raket ng komadronang 'to, no?
Okay. Fast forward. The baby is now under the care of my tito, my single, CAREFREE tito [He's gay, btw, around 29 years old]. Kamusta naman yon? I know how irresponsible my tito is. And this child, still nameless and doesn't have a birth certificate yet, is under his care.
Sana nga maturuan ng batang 'to ang tito ko kung paano humawak ng ganito kalaking responsibilidad.
Responsibilities. Life. Money. A child. Imagine, these things, the life of a child, is this easy to buy?
You can buy the life of a child now.
To this little child, I wish you good luck. As in tons of good luck.
Friday, December 22, 2006
My Friends.With the usual bouts of craziness that radiate from my house every time my friends are around, I suddenly felt relaxed. It had been a week-break from all the troubles school could bring [and a week without allowance, too]. It had been a week since I last saw them.
God, I missed them so much.
Let me tell you who they are.
1. Eri
ka Cubian ['Eka'] – My tolerant listener. The one who constantly tells me that I'm stupid. The anime addict. The silent keeper of her feelings and opinions, regardless of what’s happening. A dreamer. Believes in fortune telling. Voluptuous. Scary when angry. Loves cute things.
2. Christian Glen Frani ['Frani'] – My greatest 'alaskador'. My 'moon'. Smart when
provoked. Tamad. The artist [he’s very good in sketching]. Metaphor giver. Sensible both in writing and speaking. Completely insane. Secretive. Great listener and adviser.
3. Ivy Ros
e Dumaguing ['Ivy'] – My 'Ms. Perfect'. Singer. Irrepressible giggles. Claps and jumps when excited. Boy-crazy. Long-legged. Photogenic. Also loves cute things.
4. Mark John Bunyi ['MJ'] – [Yikes. Now, where am I going? Haha.] My constant 'makulit' and 'nakakainis' nagger. Loves tickling my 'bilbil'. Also photogenic. Great set of teeth. The one with whom I debate with and shout at regularly. Tamad. 
Plays the piano and guitar. Girl[and gay]-magnet [?].
5. Sheina Fernandez ['Xen'] – My drama queen. Crybaby. Pikon. Sex guru [?]. Brokenhearted [?]. Kulot [Ow, she got her hair straightened!]. Punkistang kikay. Have already tried smoking and drinking excessively. Suicide contemplator. Member of the dark side.
At their usual temperament, they are these people.
*Only Frani, Xen and MJ are in this video.
They made my high school life fun and unforgettable. I've been with them through thick and thin, heartbreaks and hook-ups, food and alcohol bashes, movie pops, music jamming, laughter and sadness, tears and joy, life.
You know, guys, that I would never ever tell you this in person:
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Back After Five Days.
Four days before the so-called birth of Christ, I came back. Why, may you ask, did I suddenly go invisible from the blogging world?
Forgive me for bragging on like this, but I suddenly went tired of everything. I don't know. It’s just that it's hard to maintain this space of mine and keep people interested onto what's going on with me and around me. I am tired of bloghopping and reading the same page and waiting for a god-sent whatever from above. I am tired of the circle that I am in.
Suddenly, I wanted to get out.
But after five days without even taking a peek of my blog, here I am, back to the same old space to rant about what's going on with my life and the world.
Ow. I just remembered that it really is Christmas. I just don't feel it, you know. Yeah, I know that I'm not the only one who keeps on whining why I really don't feel Christmas. All I know is that just because it's Christmas, I get to have a two-week vacation.
Some updates:
You remember that post about me confessing something whatever to a friend of mine named MJ [I deleted that post, btw]?
So, to get you updated on what's happening between us, we sorta got into this trouble because of that post. Apparently, he read it. And we sort of got into this limbo where I don't understand him anymore, neither does he understand me. I bragged our other friends unto this trouble of ours.
I really lost hope and I was about to end our three-year friendship.
But, things turned out in an unexpected twist. I realized I really don't love him at all and that I was just troubled with my own issues. He, himself, had a problem of his own. It so happened that we couldn't find our common ground.
And now? Yeah. We're okay. We're into joking terms again. It's as if nothing happened. But the issue that lasted a month is now a taboo subject.Saturday, December 16, 2006
Temporary Blogleave.Gonna go in a temporary blogleave. I don't know when I'm coming back.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The Metaphor of The Wines.
For a very long time in your life, you had been used to drinking the same wine over and over again. This wine made a lasting and familiar taste on your tongue. Though familiar as it is, you never get tired of it for you enjoy it thoroughly every time you have a drink of it.
When the wine ran out and even after enormous efforts of having it back again, you can't. Then, as you were tired of trying to find the same old wine, you noticed another bottle that was just in your cellar the whole time. You did not notice that it was just there, waiting for your attention.
You tasted the ignored wine. The taste was not the same as the old one. It was different, not as delicious as the old one, but great and unique in a different way. You started to enjoy it, too, although the pursuit to find the old wine still continues. And even if you are delighted with the taste of the ignored wine, you still can't help but yearn for the old one.
Under unexpected twists of fate, you managed to find the old wine. When its taste once again filled your taste buds, you were so happy that you unintentionally forgot the ignored wine that made you happy and accompanied you when the old wine was not available.
Conscience hit you. You felt so cruel as to overlooking the value the ignored wine gave you.
But then again, you wanted the old wine back. You still want to keep the ignored wine. But drinking both of them at the same time would make you drunk. You're not even sure if you can handle both without neglecting one of them.
What would you do?Monday, December 11, 2006
Running Out.
My creative juices are running out. And it's hard to deal with.
Waaaahh! I know I should not pressure myself. I'm not, really. I just can't believe that after all this time, with me writing about things whenever I can, I can't write about anything at all.
I know it's not a wonder for a writer [at heart, I supposed] if he/she had ran out of something to say. Or to narrate, tackle or whatever, in the least.
I just realized, it's not easy being a writer at all. You must have dedication and patience with your craft. Some people view writing as easy as ABC. Fact is, no, it's not. It is not easy to find the right words to say to describe what you felt for the moment, nor it is easy to make your readers feel what you felt. It is never easy to finish a story that you started, knowing all the sides and the thrill to finish it had left you.
Nothing is easy in writing.Saturday, December 09, 2006
Fears? WTF?
Kinakabahan. Natatakot.
Precisely what I am feeling right now [it is around 9:30 in the evening]. It's hard to explain, really.
Let's just put it this way. Before, I was thinking to myself that I am SO ready to face it, too eager even. But when things did not turn out in the way I expected it to be, I was hurt. I was too hurt that the pessimistic side of me crept its way into the surface. I lost hope. I thought of the worst. And I expected that that would happen.
I thought that one way or another, it's going to finish. Oh yes, something ended. That, I'm pretty sure of.
What I did not expect was that something, after all the lessons that we're supposed to learn have been learned [I hope], is beginning. It's beginning all over again.
And when I thought I have moved on, that I am ready to face life without that something that I want, it is coming back. I don't want to assume that it really is going in a way that is supposed to make everything better, but yes, it is.
So, what am I doing here, bragging about things getting better?
Just like what I said up there, I am afraid. I could not believe that everything is happening like this. I am not supposed to feel this way. I SHOULD BE GLAD. WTF?
I hate feeling these fears that are creeping up. But these things make me human.Thursday, December 07, 2006
A To-do List.
To-do list for the month of December:
1. Study PHYSICS [as in NOW].
2. Teach varsity players [tomorrow].
3. Pass the belen project [tomorrow].
4. Review [whenever I want to].
5. Have my clearance for the exam signed [tomorrow].
6. Take the third periodical test [Saturday and Monday].
7. Have my mom get my report card for the second quarter [Saturday].
8. Practice for the speech choir [whenever WE want to, which so happened to be impossible].
9. Speech choir [December 13].
10. Retrieve information for my articles [ASAP].
11. Pass four articles for our school paper [before December 16].
12. Go to school during Christmas vacation [for three times a week].
13. Smile [AMAP--as much as possible].
14. Go out with my friends and watch a movie [ASAP].
15. Laugh my heart out [AMAP].
16. Fix my TINY, LITTLE problem, which has consumed me for the past month [before Christmas--it's Christmas, after all]
17. Make the by-laws of the Student Council [before the opening of classes on January].
18. Chill out from all the pressure I'm under [ASAP].
19. Watch DVD's [ASAP].
Uber-busy? Not really.Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Blue Moon.
Once in a blue moon...
I'm pretty sure, one way or another, you have heard of this phrase. As you all know, it's an idiom that means 'rare'. Oftentimes, we would hear this phrase used in metaphorical statements.
I, myself, have often used this one. It's one of my favorite idioms, actually. I came across this one when a film with a title "Blue Moon" joined the Metro Manila Film Festival. I'm sure as hell those who have seen the movie would always remember the wiped-ass acting of Mark Herras [He did not justify the role. He sucked!] and the too redundant story.
Now, why does 'blue moon' mean very rare? It's because it really is rare. Blue moon is the second full moon in a month. As we all know, there can only be one full moon in a month. And for those who thought the moon really turns blue, sorry folks, it doesn't.
The last blue moon happened in July 31, 2004. This rare event would happen again on June 30, 2007 [see chart].
So, what's with the 'blue moon' thing? Nothing, really. I just remembered it meant something to some.
As I am a member of that 'some', I believe that a 'blue moon' means second chance. Apparently, as I was gazing at the bright, big and luminous moon last night, I wished it was a blue moon in my life.
Cause right now, the pursuit for a second chance is still farfetched.Sunday, December 03, 2006
Not Destined For Babysitting.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
Came the shrill voice of my two-year old cousin. It, as it always will, hurt my ears.
My God, if I could just strangle the little child.
No, don't get me wrong. I'm not a child-hater. Okay. Maybe just a tiny little bit. I can handle children, really. But if the child screams like those children that can fill up batteries in Monster, Inc, I'm pretty sure this child would have filled more than ten batteries.
I'm confident that I can handle a child, children even, for an hour or so. But make it more that twelve hours and I'd probably leave the child to go hungry and cry for all I care. It does not help that I was once a child and that I was also like that. So sue me.
A pretty good explanation for this inherent impiety of mine is that, I was never used to noise at home. If it happened that you grew up in a home that only houses three persons [namely you, your brother that you always fight with and your mom that nags you constantly], the noise of a child and the patience to deal with it would not run in your veins.
But there were times that I can boast that I have successfully handled children. Like these:
1. When a cousin of mine, barely two-years old, was left in my care for approximately six hours, I was able to go through it. Worst case was that she threw up on my shoulder which left me an amoy-suka babysitter. And well, she became sick under my care. Haha.
2. When I went to Elsie Gaches [an orphanage-like institution which houses children and adults alike who had mental incapacity and were abandoned], a child bit me in my arms and hand. But hey, even though I really want to strangle him, I was able to force myself not to.
3. I thought a number of kids, about seven, a dance number for an event.
4. I was able to organize a game for street children in a Christmas party.
So you see, I may have a tiny little bit hate for children, I can handle them [I think]. Oh well, it may change in the future.Friday, December 01, 2006
Love and Concern.
"Minsan, kwentuhan tayo, ah."
That was what my mom said when I was going to leave for school last Wednesday. I really don't know the implication of what she said. I just thought she might want to hear my stories from our retreat.
But I was wrong. Or so, I think.
Just Wednesday night, as I don't have the appetite and mood for telling stories, I was too silent over dinner.
"Nag-retreat ka lang, tumahimik ka na."
I'm a loquacious person. I rarely shut my mouth, not unless I'm depressed or I'm doing something. Then, came my cell phone. She used it for a few days. When I finally got my hand over it, I was quick to return it to its previous settings, as my mom would constantly change it.
Then, as I browse over the archive, I saw messages, a conversation with someone about my so-called problem, a conversation with his cousin. And it struck me like lightning.
"Binasa niyo ba yung archive ko?"
"Bakit ko babasahin yon? Nirerespeto ko ang privacy niyo. Kahit pa mga anak ko kayo."
Too guilty. I can sense guilt in her answer. It's easy to see right through it.
Later that night, when I was browsing the net, she sat beside me. And began talking.
"May problema ka ba? Wag ka mahihiyang sabihin sa akin."
"Binasa niyo yung archive ko."
"Oo. Galit ka ba? Anak, wag ka magagalit sa akin. Ginawa ko naman lahat para maiwasan na mangyari yun. At kung may problema ka, wag ka mahihiya magsabi sa akin. I can be your mom, as well as your friend."
No. I did not say anything. Tears just flowed from my eyes. I can see that she's really concerned with what I've been encountering in the past few days.
With eyes still teary, I said, "Hindi ako galit."
