Hey, everyone.
Just want to tell you, guys, that I would be leaving this blog permanently. I would move. But I'd choose a certain people to know it. A new environment, I daresay.
But at all, not really. I just want to escape some people who are reading this blog of mine. Some people who I know personally. Honestly, I have nothing against them. But I feel like I've said some things here that they are not supposed to know.
Anyway, I bid you all guys farewell, good luck and see you soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my good friend, Jonell Estillore!
To you,
I am leaving this blog.
The reason? Yes, you.
Anyway, I don't know if you're aware, but I am following your blog religiously. I just supposed you want to know, since you are doing the same to mine.
With the things that we both said, I guess it's time that I shut up my mouth. I guess, CRAP would always fly out of this mouth, so you see, I'm getting out. I am now raising my white flag. There's no point of battling our own thoughts and words on this goddamn Internet.
In regards with our personal communication, I am not hoping for anything anymore. I just want to stress something: I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANYTHING.
You may think I am asking you to trust me the way you trust others: I am not.
You may think I am asking you to tell me everything: I am not.
You may think I am asking you to tell me your secrets: I am not.
You may think I don't understand you: I do. I do understand you.
You may think I don't care about you: I do. I do care about you.
You may think I am feeling bad and hating you for choosing Sheina: I certainly am not.
You may think I am ASKING YOU TO BRING BACK OUR FRIENDSHIP: most certainly, I AM NOT.
Ow, maybe I should be shutting up now. You don't want to hear CRAP anymore, do you?
Happiness, sometimes, is just a state of mind.
Somehow, that's what I learned this week. This week is one of the most wonderful and...awful weeks in my life.
The facts that I had a row with a friend, another friend is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and is now contemplating suicide, all of that can depress me. But, unbelievably, I've taken it up on the brighter side. There's no point trying to press yourself on negatives.
But, you know, that doesn't mean that we have to counter the truth by our false hopes. For me, being optimistic is facing the reality, staring at the truth, and seeing it the way that it is: the truth. And the way that we see it, we try to acknowledge it, but we do not let it go on our way of life.
The truths: (1.) No matter what I do, I cannot help my friend in her present situation. She's depressed and stuck in a web of why's and how's. I may listen to her, ask her what she really wants, but I cannot help her in a way that I really want to. Somehow, I want to share her anguish, her despair, and her pain. But the truth is, I can't and that this is something that she herself must face. Only she can tell whether she'd survive this wave of depression that came upon her. And I? I can only be there and still continue the way that I'm living. But that doesn't mean that I'm leaving her.
(2.) I'm losing a friendship, the one that I've always been bragging about. All I can say is that, it's is one of the most beautiful and meaningful friendship that I've had. It is inevitable that it should end this way. I know that bold honesty and unbiased understanding could have fixed both of us. But neither is willing to give both. There are too many obscurities that block our view of things. As they always say, SAYANG. I know, I mean, even I admit that I would regret my decisions. Soon, when things are low, I would miss him, all the things that he's about. He became a part of my life and losing him is losing a vein in my heart. I love him the way that I've never loved any friend of mine. But then, this time, I know that we would end up in a dead end, one way or another.
You know, despite all of these, I'm still damn happy cause I'm lucky. God still loves me and would probably forever would. I was not left alone, many opportunities opened its doors and I am damned focus to attain that something.
Life, as always, would always be full of spices.
At this very moment, I only have to instill one thing on my brain: when someone asks for forgiveness, learn to forgive.
I do not mean it in the way that I don't know how to forgive. I know how to forgive, even look here for proof.
And the truth is that, I have already forgiven even before I have received that message that asks forgiveness.
I know I'm not the only one who received that. A wild guess tells me that there are five of us who received it.
And its significance? Well, I guess, for them, it's the fact that he was able to humble himself and repent for what he had done [if he ever did anything]. I know that, just like me, they had already forgiven him before he even said sorry.
But with me? What is its significance? How did it affect me?
Honestly, I want to tell him right there and then that HE DOESN'T NEED TO SAY SORRY AND THAT I'M THE ONE WHO’S SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY. But I can't. I can't tell him. Not yet. Not now.
I'd admit, even though it's entirely my fault, I am the one who's playing as if he was the one to blame. I am the one who's at fault and yet, I'm playing PROUD, CHILDISH and IMMATURE.
I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what is right. I know what's best for all of us.
And yet, I do not do it. I need time to think. I need to go on with my life without him for a while. I need to discover things on my own and see whether there is life beyond what I had shared with him.
And the verdict would come. It would come on the time that all of us least expect it. Whatever that would be, I just hope it's for the best.
Well, let's just say that this day turned out to be something...unexpected.
It rests with the fact that the following happened:
ANTIPALA, YNA ALTEA DELA PENA - Pending case
He hurt me, I'm hurting him. I can say that the latter is worse: the fact that I'm hurting him right now. And know what? I'm not even doing anything about it.
My friends hate me for that. Nevertheless, they also hate the other side. Hmm. Good, cause they're not taking sides. They're just a bunch of people stuck in the middle. A friend on the net hates me for that.
And bull, I'm not even doing anything about it.
*Long post ahead.
Ito ang unang-una kong Tagalog na post sa blog na 'to.
Bakit? Bakit ako nag-Tagalog?
Sabihin na lang natin na masyadong maraming nangyari at hindi ko na kaya ipaliwanag pa sa salitang Ingles ang mga pangyayari. Ngayong gabi, sa loob lang ng gabing ito, maraming nangyari sa akin na alam kong makakaapekto sa buhay ko.
Sino nga ba talaga ako? Isa lang naman akong tao na nagtatago sa alyas na "theWhore". "theWhore", na ang ibig sabihin ay isang 'PUTA'. Puta ba talaga ako? Hindi, syempre. Isa lamang akong tinedyer, labing-limang taong gulang na tinedyer na naglalabas ng lahat ng hinanakit sa mundong ito sa blog na ito.
Ngayon, binuksan ko na talaga kung sino ako. Ngayon, sa gabing ito, minamarkahan ko ang oras kung kailan kailangan ko nang harapin ang mga bagay na matagal ko nang tinatakbuhan. Ngayon, sisimulan ko na.
Ngayong gabi, sinaktan ko ang kaibigan kong pinangakuan kong hindi ko sasaktan. Tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa, nagpadalos-dalos na naman ako sa pagsasalita at hindi nag-isip kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong sabihin. Sinaktan ko siya. Sinaktan ko ang sarili ko. Sinira ko ang lahat. Ano pa bang dapat kong sabihin? Sorry? Thank you? Goodbye? Magulo ba ang isip ko o kalmado ang aking loob? Anong sinasabi ng isipan ko? Anong sinasabi ng puso ko?
Sa ngayon, wala. Wala akong gustong intindihin at harapin. Gusto kong tumakbo, pero alam kong mali. Komprontasyon? Imposible. Masyado nang malalim ang sugat para mahilom pa. Masyado nang maraming lumabas na dugo. Oo, maghihilom din ito, ngunit ang pilat na iiwan nito ay imposibleng hindi na muling madama at makita. Ako na ang nagsasalita para sa sarili ko, wala na akong nakikitang pag-asa para maayos pa ang lahat.
Isang pagkakaibigang hindi ko tinutuldukan, ngunit ako mismo ang nawawalan ng pag-asa.
Ngayong gabi, nagkaroon ng palitan ng masasakit na salita mula sa aking ina at kapatid. Respeto. Pang-unawa. Hindi ko na alam. Tatlo lang kami. Wala na akong ama. Sa labing-limang taong nabuhay ako sa mundo, dalawang taon ko lang siya nakasama.
Pero hindi kinulang ang ina ko sa pagbibigay sa amin ng lahat ng bagay na dapat mayroon kami. Hindi kami kailanman kinulang sa materyal na bagay, kahit sa pagmamahal. Masuwerte ako dahil hindi ko naramdaman na wala akong kwenta sa mundong ito dahil sa kanya.
Pero, silang dalawa, silang pinakamalapit sa akin, hindi sila nagkakaintindihan. Matanda lang ako sa kapatid ko ng isang taon, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit natuto siyang sumagot ng ganoon. Hindi lang ito ngayon nangyari, pero hindi ko matanggap na kailangan pang mangyari ang ganito.
Ngayong gabi, tinanggap ko na sa sarili ko na nagsasawa na ako sa mga bagay sa buhay ko. Gusto kong takasan lahat. Lahat sila. Ang pamilya ko. Ang mga kaibigan ko. Ang buhay-eskwelahan ko. Ang lahat ng umaasa at naniniwala sa kakayahan ko. Nagsasawa na ako sa kanilang lahat.
Gusto ko nang tumakbo mula sa sarili kong buhay.
Alam nating lahat, imposible at hinding-hindi ko magagawa yon. Pero kahit ako, hindi ko na rin alam kung anong gagawin ko. Wala na akong mga kaibigang matakbuhan. Kahit sila, may mga sariling problemang kailangan harapin. Mga problemang ako rin ang nagdulot sa kanila.
Ano nga bang klaseng tao ako? Hindi ko rin alam. Pakiramdam ko, kilalang-kilala ko na ang sarili ko, alam ko na ang lahat ng kaya kong gawin at hindi. Pero, hindi. Nagkakamali ako. Hindi ko kilala ang sarili ko. Dahil ngayong gabing ito, nawawala na ako sa sarili ko.
Naisip ko, gusto ko nang kunin ang sarili kong buhay. Pero, hindi. Marami pang magandang bagay sa mundo na kailangan ko pang makita at madama. Marami pa akong dapat matutunan. Marami pang pagkakataon ang darating. Marami pa. At bata pa ako.
Kanina, nakita ko yung sigarilyo sa kaha. Naisip ko, sana marunong ako manigarilyo. Sana, kahit man lang sa paraang ito, maipakita ko ang pagrerebelde ko sa buhay. Sana, ngayong sandaling ito, may taong mag-aalok sa akin ng alak at makikinig sa akin habang tinutungga namin ang alak. Sana, ngayong sandaling ito, makalimutan ko silang lahat.
At sana, sa paggising ko, mabubura ang lahat ng alaala ng gabing ito.
"You know, you always speak with your mind, not with your heart."
I want to counter him, but that would only prove what he said. Yeah, right. That's true. I always speak with my mind. Philosophical, as he says. I do not deny that.
Only that I want to tell him right there and then...
"How could I speak with my heart, when you were not there to listen?"
Oh, Adubo Putoshap 7.0.
I. Am. Gonna. Kill. You.
I've been offered a very generous offer today. Something that I strongly felt I do not deserve.
Know what, I was given the chance to change my 81 grade to a whooping 89. Parang magic lang, ah!
Of course, there's a condition: choose one topic about Adubo Putoshap 7.0, learn it, and discuss it. And voila! May magic na!
I am not an opportunist but I took the chance. I am very comfortable with the fact that after a straight three years of being an honor student, finally, on my last year, I may not be able to be one.
And as I've said, I am comfortable with that.
So I did not agree with 89. I asked for an 85 because that would be the only required grade for me to retain my honors.
She did not approve.
I don't want an 89.
We met at 87.
I overheard my two friends, a guy and a girl, talking about borrowing the full-length CD of Paris Hilton's porn scandal.
To think, it's a guy and a girl. No, nothing bad about it, really. It's just...weird.
To say that I was never curious nor I have seen a porn flick is hypocrisy. In this age, who hasn't seen a sex video yet? It's everywhere. Internet, cellphones, pirated CDs and DVDs, all kinds of media is infected by what we call a biological need: SEX.
Whoever said that 'sex sells' is so right.
In school, people used to talk about it all the time. Especially boys. I just wonder why there’s this unwritten code why girls should be mum about it. Yet, I can say, not really. In the society that we're in, too much vulgarity is immoral. But with the new generation, having yourself infected with this fever is...cool.
I have nothing against the talks and vulgarities about sex. I can bet that boys, even though some don't admit it, had already made masturbation a hobby. And some girls even did, though it's still discreet. All I can say about it is that, being curious and testing everything that life can offer is...normal.
Though there are disadvantages about these things, people can't help but be perpetually absorbed by sex. No profound explanation, just enough sense to understand that it is something that is typical, in the way our body should be.Fuck NCAE [National College Assessment Examination].
Due to this sore eyes of mine (I hope it really is just sore eyes. It seems a little different. The leftmost side of my left eye is the only part infected. As to the rightmost side of my left eye, it seems normal. Yech. I'd have it check tomorrow.), we had a spontaneous gala in Manila with my friend (whom I force to also take the school off today. I am such a BI!).
She was the one who presented me with the idea of visiting MV Doulos. Maybe you haven't heard of that, one way or another. You can find some info here in Wiki or you can just click the name for their site. Anyway, as spontaneously planned, we went there together with my mom (who incidentally works in the Bureau of Customs).
Okay. If you do not like clicking links, here's a brief history: MV Doulos is the world's oldest ocean-going passenger ship (according to their sticker.) The crews are from different nations. The ship does not look that old (at least for me) and that's not why I went there. Apparently, it's also known as the floating/sailing bookstore. It carries book around the world.
Personally, I expected too much from the vessel. I expected that I could choose and buy from a wide variety of books at a much cheaper price.
No, I'm not disappointed with the price. It's way cheaper than local bookstores. There, you could buy dictionaries, almanacs, guides, self-help, and inspirational books at a price ranging from P100-P700 (based from what I saw around). There are also CD's and tapes available, mostly contains Christian and classical songs (Brahms, Beethoven, etc.). There are plenty of children's books around at a price a parent can enjoy.
But for a fiction aficionado like me? It's not the place for me.
They have a limited selection for fiction, mostly about inspirational romance stories. And most books do not suit my taste.
But I love their vanilla ice cream. Hmm.
"Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary."
- Frank L. Visco
Hmm. Okay, I'd admit I was wrong with this post. I just realized that Ralph is right with what he said.
"…i do not agree with the numbers 1, 2, and 3.
1. its your blog. the hell do people care of the content! its your shit! bloggers and other visitors do not dictate what you write there.
if its BS, then its your BS, walang pakielamanan.
2. its really up to you if you want to visit them or not. its not a MUST. it is not an OBLIGATION of some sort.
3. as you've said, 'respect'. you also have to respect the comments that people give you. even if its only a lousy "ok". be thankful that they commented on your shit.
tulad nga ng sabi ko dati sa isa kong post, "wala akong pakielam kung walang bumasa ng mga isinusulat ko. i blog because i want to release shit. kapag may bumisita, consolasyon ko na yun. kapag may nagkomento, para ko na ring napanalunan ang grand prize."
blogging is not about impressing other people with your stories and the like. for me, blogging is all about freedom of expression. the shits that you want to release. dont hold back.. no one's forcing you to.
"blog to express, not to impress" as they say..."
I just realized that I should not judge people with what they say. I should be thankful to everyone who cares to drop me a word or two about my thoughts.
I just want to thank YOU for even bothering to read my BS.
Whether I like it or not, politics had already left its mark on me.
Whoever said that power is addicting does not lie. I testify to this statement, as the power that I have right now in my hands is way more than what my fellow students could have.
But I don't want to be where I am right now.
Did I really want to be a member of the student council? A prominent member, at that? If not, then why did I run on the election? Why did I undergo all the trouble of talking in front of people I barely even know and convince them that I could make a change? Why, in the first place, did I have my lips touch the poisonous wine of politics?
Curiosity, the promise of power, the thirst to prove myself pushed me to accept that offer to run. Sheer luck made me won, even having the third highest vote among the ten contenders vying for the top five slots allotted.
Triumph came wrapped in an elegant gift.
But do you know what was inside that gift?
Responsibilities. Stress. Pressure.
I tried to keep up with everything. And I am proud to say that I did surpass and proved something. I made good impressions among school administrators who expected the less of me. I became someone.
Yeah. Someone. Someone who only got air up in her head.
My head is aching. It's as if somebody just hammered me in the head.
Ever since I was a kid, I am such a sleepyhead. Di masandig, tulog. Though I am such a sucker for sleep, I sleep late at night, wake up at about nine in the morning, and sleeps again in the afternoon [if there are no classes].
My sleeping pattern sucks.
And what does this have to do with my headache?
Ow, I get my headaches from my siesta. Every time I would have a siesta, expect me to have it at least one hour, not the usual thirty minutes nap. And then, when I wake up, my head is already pounding and my mind is reeling. My mind would always be in a limbo.
It always happens every time I have one of my siestas. Instead of feeling refreshed, I would feel like I've been through some mind limbo and I would be disheveled.
So, why, oh, why is this happening to me?
Any explanations?
Forgive and forget. Did you ever believe in the meaning of those words?
I, myself, had been a devout follower of the said praise. As sorry is the hardest word to say, I know it takes a lot of effort for a person to say a heartfelt and sincere sorry for something he/she had done.
But time always changes somebody. And now, I don't believe on those words anymore.
Oh, yeah. Of course, I forgive. There's no point letting yourself hang on to your anger and let it ruin your life, right? If we keep ourselves angry with someone, we cannot deny that that anger could somehow affect how we interact with other people, especially that person that you've had a conflict with.
But forget? Nah. I may be somebody na butas ang utak at megakalimot, but I don't forget offenses that easily. Granted that I may have forgiven you, but the treatment and the openness between us is not the same anymore.
And you know, it's really all about trust and the part of yourself that you have given that person. Light offenses are easy to forgive, but those instances that somebody would hurt the hell out of you? Haha. Nobody can hurt you as much if you have given not him or her permission to hurt you and have not been vulnerable to him or her.
Somehow, we cannot help it if we ourselves would get hurt or that we would hurt somebody. It's a part of life. The only thing that we can control in our life is how we deal and react to it.
And the best thing to do? Forgive...And be careful.
