How much would you spend for a night with me?

Goodbye...For Now.

2007-01-28T19:23:00.000+08:00

Hey, everyone.

Just want to tell you, guys, that I would be leaving this blog permanently. I would move. But I'd choose a certain people to know it. A new environment, I daresay.

But at all, not really. I just want to escape some people who are reading this blog of mine. Some people who I know personally. Honestly, I have nothing against them. But I feel like I've said some things here that they are not supposed to know.

Anyway, I bid you all guys farewell, good luck and see you soon.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my good friend, Jonell Estillore!

To you,

I am leaving this blog.

The reason? Yes, you.

Anyway, I don't know if you're aware, but I am following your blog religiously. I just supposed you want to know, since you are doing the same to mine.

With the things that we both said, I guess it's time that I shut up my mouth. I guess, CRAP would always fly out of this mouth, so you see, I'm getting out. I am now raising my white flag. There's no point of battling our own thoughts and words on this goddamn Internet.

In regards with our personal communication, I am not hoping for anything anymore. I just want to stress something: I AM NOT ASKING FOR ANYTHING.

You may think I am asking you to trust me the way you trust others: I am not.

You may think I am asking you to tell me everything: I am not.

You may think I am asking you to tell me your secrets: I am not.

You may think I don't understand you: I do. I do understand you.

You may think I don't care about you: I do. I do care about you.

You may think I am feeling bad and hating you for choosing Sheina: I certainly am not.

You may think I am ASKING YOU TO BRING BACK OUR FRIENDSHIP: most certainly, I AM NOT.

Ow, maybe I should be shutting up now. You don't want to hear CRAP anymore, do you?

Truths and Consequences.

2007-01-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

Happiness, sometimes, is just a state of mind.

Somehow, that's what I learned this week. This week is one of the most wonderful and...awful weeks in my life.

The facts that I had a row with a friend, another friend is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and is now contemplating suicide, all of that can depress me. But, unbelievably, I've taken it up on the brighter side. There's no point trying to press yourself on negatives.

But, you know, that doesn't mean that we have to counter the truth by our false hopes. For me, being optimistic is facing the reality, staring at the truth, and seeing it the way that it is: the truth. And the way that we see it, we try to acknowledge it, but we do not let it go on our way of life.

The truths: (1.) No matter what I do, I cannot help my friend in her present situation. She's depressed and stuck in a web of why's and how's. I may listen to her, ask her what she really wants, but I cannot help her in a way that I really want to. Somehow, I want to share her anguish, her despair, and her pain. But the truth is, I can't and that this is something that she herself must face. Only she can tell whether she'd survive this wave of depression that came upon her. And I? I can only be there and still continue the way that I'm living. But that doesn't mean that I'm leaving her.

(2.) I'm losing a friendship, the one that I've always been bragging about. All I can say is that, it's is one of the most beautiful and meaningful friendship that I've had. It is inevitable that it should end this way. I know that bold honesty and unbiased understanding could have fixed both of us. But neither is willing to give both. There are too many obscurities that block our view of things. As they always say, SAYANG. I know, I mean, even I admit that I would regret my decisions. Soon, when things are low, I would miss him, all the things that he's about. He became a part of my life and losing him is losing a vein in my heart. I love him the way that I've never loved any friend of mine. But then, this time, I know that we would end up in a dead end, one way or another.

You know, despite all of these, I'm still damn happy cause I'm lucky. God still loves me and would probably forever would. I was not left alone, many opportunities opened its doors and I am damned focus to attain that something.

Life, as always, would always be full of spices.

Better Sooner than Later.

2007-01-24T21:21:00.000+08:00

At this very moment, I only have to instill one thing on my brain: when someone asks for forgiveness, learn to forgive.

I do not mean it in the way that I don't know how to forgive. I know how to forgive, even look here for proof.

And the truth is that, I have already forgiven even before I have received that message that asks forgiveness.

I know I'm not the only one who received that. A wild guess tells me that there are five of us who received it.

And its significance? Well, I guess, for them, it's the fact that he was able to humble himself and repent for what he had done [if he ever did anything]. I know that, just like me, they had already forgiven him before he even said sorry.

But with me? What is its significance? How did it affect me?

Honestly, I want to tell him right there and then that HE DOESN'T NEED TO SAY SORRY AND THAT I'M THE ONE WHO’S SUPPOSED TO SAY SORRY. But I can't. I can't tell him. Not yet. Not now.

I'd admit, even though it's entirely my fault, I am the one who's playing as if he was the one to blame. I am the one who's at fault and yet, I'm playing PROUD, CHILDISH and IMMATURE.

I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what is right. I know what's best for all of us.

And yet, I do not do it. I need time to think. I need to go on with my life without him for a while. I need to discover things on my own and see whether there is life beyond what I had shared with him.

And the verdict would come. It would come on the time that all of us least expect it. Whatever that would be, I just hope it's for the best.

Results Day.

2007-01-22T13:02:00.000+08:00

Well, let's just say that this day turned out to be something...unexpected.

It rests with the fact that the following happened:

I am a PENDING case on UP. To start it off, I did not expect that the results would come up today. My god, of all the days in my life. And when this classmate of mine told me that the results have already come up on the net, I'm ecstatic, nervous, etc. I had my heart in my throat while I'm waiting with the so SLOW web site. And then, since we both searched for my name and his browser came up first, then he dropped the bomb:

ANTIPALA, YNA ALTEA DELA PENA - Pending case

My jaw, literally, dropped to the floor. Okay. So I'm not really expecting that I would even make it to the list. And to top it off, there are only two persons from our school who made it to the list: me and our valedictorian for this batch. He passed, and me, well, I'm still weighing on my chances.

More than three years of friendship ended. Well, that's according to me. Based on his actions, my friend, I can fairly say that this is gonna be our last row and we would not have another. Nor would we share a smile or laugh or frown or whatever. Nada. Zip. Finished.

He hurt me, I'm hurting him. I can say that the latter is worse: the fact that I'm hurting him right now. And know what? I'm not even doing anything about it.

My friends hate me for that. Nevertheless, they also hate the other side. Hmm. Good, cause they're not taking sides. They're just a bunch of people stuck in the middle. A friend on the net hates me for that.

And bull, I'm not even doing anything about it.

Ngayong Gabi.

2007-01-20T18:50:00.000+08:00

*Long post ahead.

Ito ang unang-una kong Tagalog na post sa blog na 'to.

Bakit? Bakit ako nag-Tagalog?

Sabihin na lang natin na masyadong maraming nangyari at hindi ko na kaya ipaliwanag pa sa salitang Ingles ang mga pangyayari. Ngayong gabi, sa loob lang ng gabing ito, maraming nangyari sa akin na alam kong makakaapekto sa buhay ko.

Sino nga ba talaga ako? Isa lang naman akong tao na nagtatago sa alyas na "theWhore". "theWhore", na ang ibig sabihin ay isang 'PUTA'. Puta ba talaga ako? Hindi, syempre. Isa lamang akong tinedyer, labing-limang taong gulang na tinedyer na naglalabas ng lahat ng hinanakit sa mundong ito sa blog na ito.

Ngayon, binuksan ko na talaga kung sino ako. Ngayon, sa gabing ito, minamarkahan ko ang oras kung kailan kailangan ko nang harapin ang mga bagay na matagal ko nang tinatakbuhan. Ngayon, sisimulan ko na.

Ngayong gabi, sinaktan ko ang kaibigan kong pinangakuan kong hindi ko sasaktan. Tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa, nagpadalos-dalos na naman ako sa pagsasalita at hindi nag-isip kung ano ba talaga ang dapat kong sabihin. Sinaktan ko siya. Sinaktan ko ang sarili ko. Sinira ko ang lahat. Ano pa bang dapat kong sabihin? Sorry? Thank you? Goodbye? Magulo ba ang isip ko o kalmado ang aking loob? Anong sinasabi ng isipan ko? Anong sinasabi ng puso ko?

Sa ngayon, wala. Wala akong gustong intindihin at harapin. Gusto kong tumakbo, pero alam kong mali. Komprontasyon? Imposible. Masyado nang malalim ang sugat para mahilom pa. Masyado nang maraming lumabas na dugo. Oo, maghihilom din ito, ngunit ang pilat na iiwan nito ay imposibleng hindi na muling madama at makita. Ako na ang nagsasalita para sa sarili ko, wala na akong nakikitang pag-asa para maayos pa ang lahat.

Isang pagkakaibigang hindi ko tinutuldukan, ngunit ako mismo ang nawawalan ng pag-asa.

Ngayong gabi, nagkaroon ng palitan ng masasakit na salita mula sa aking ina at kapatid. Respeto. Pang-unawa. Hindi ko na alam. Tatlo lang kami. Wala na akong ama. Sa labing-limang taong nabuhay ako sa mundo, dalawang taon ko lang siya nakasama.

Pero hindi kinulang ang ina ko sa pagbibigay sa amin ng lahat ng bagay na dapat mayroon kami. Hindi kami kailanman kinulang sa materyal na bagay, kahit sa pagmamahal. Masuwerte ako dahil hindi ko naramdaman na wala akong kwenta sa mundong ito dahil sa kanya.

Pero, silang dalawa, silang pinakamalapit sa akin, hindi sila nagkakaintindihan. Matanda lang ako sa kapatid ko ng isang taon, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit natuto siyang sumagot ng ganoon. Hindi lang ito ngayon nangyari, pero hindi ko matanggap na kailangan pang mangyari ang ganito.

Ngayong gabi, tinanggap ko na sa sarili ko na nagsasawa na ako sa mga bagay sa buhay ko. Gusto kong takasan lahat. Lahat sila. Ang pamilya ko. Ang mga kaibigan ko. Ang buhay-eskwelahan ko. Ang lahat ng umaasa at naniniwala sa kakayahan ko. Nagsasawa na ako sa kanilang lahat.

Gusto ko nang tumakbo mula sa sarili kong buhay.

Alam nating lahat, imposible at hinding-hindi ko magagawa yon. Pero kahit ako, hindi ko na rin alam kung anong gagawin ko. Wala na akong mga kaibigang matakbuhan. Kahit sila, may mga sariling problemang kailangan harapin. Mga problemang ako rin ang nagdulot sa kanila.

Ano nga bang klaseng tao ako? Hindi ko rin alam. Pakiramdam ko, kilalang-kilala ko na ang sarili ko, alam ko na ang lahat ng kaya kong gawin at hindi. Pero, hindi. Nagkakamali ako. Hindi ko kilala ang sarili ko. Dahil ngayong gabing ito, nawawala na ako sa sarili ko.

Naisip ko, gusto ko nang kunin ang sarili kong buhay. Pero, hindi. Marami pang magandang bagay sa mundo na kailangan ko pang makita at madama. Marami pa akong dapat matutunan. Marami pang pagkakataon ang darating. Marami pa. At bata pa ako.

Kanina, nakita ko yung sigarilyo sa kaha. Naisip ko, sana marunong ako manigarilyo. Sana, kahit man lang sa paraang ito, maipakita ko ang pagrerebelde ko sa buhay. Sana, ngayong sandaling ito, may taong mag-aalok sa akin ng alak at makikinig sa akin habang tinutungga namin ang alak. Sana, ngayong sandaling ito, makalimutan ko silang lahat.

At sana, sa paggising ko, mabubura ang lahat ng alaala ng gabing ito.

*Sorry for the drama.

Making the Unbelievable Believable.

2007-01-18T18:02:00.000+08:00

"You know, you always speak with your mind, not with your heart."

I want to counter him, but that would only prove what he said. Yeah, right. That's true. I always speak with my mind. Philosophical, as he says. I do not deny that.

Only that I want to tell him right there and then...

"How could I speak with my heart, when you were not there to listen?"

Oh, Adubo Putoshap 7.0.

I. Am. Gonna. Kill. You.

I've been offered a very generous offer today. Something that I strongly felt I do not deserve.

Know what, I was given the chance to change my 81 grade to a whooping 89. Parang magic lang, ah!

Of course, there's a condition: choose one topic about Adubo Putoshap 7.0, learn it, and discuss it. And voila! May magic na!

I am not an opportunist but I took the chance. I am very comfortable with the fact that after a straight three years of being an honor student, finally, on my last year, I may not be able to be one.

And as I've said, I am comfortable with that.

So I did not agree with 89. I asked for an 85 because that would be the only required grade for me to retain my honors.

She did not approve.

I don't want an 89.

We met at 87.

Biological Curiosity.

2007-01-16T18:00:00.000+08:00

I overheard my two friends, a guy and a girl, talking about borrowing the full-length CD of Paris Hilton's porn scandal.

To think, it's a guy and a girl. No, nothing bad about it, really. It's just...weird.

To say that I was never curious nor I have seen a porn flick is hypocrisy. In this age, who hasn't seen a sex video yet? It's everywhere. Internet, cellphones, pirated CDs and DVDs, all kinds of media is infected by what we call a biological need: SEX.

Whoever said that 'sex sells' is so right.

In school, people used to talk about it all the time. Especially boys. I just wonder why there’s this unwritten code why girls should be mum about it. Yet, I can say, not really. In the society that we're in, too much vulgarity is immoral. But with the new generation, having yourself infected with this fever is...cool.

I have nothing against the talks and vulgarities about sex. I can bet that boys, even though some don't admit it, had already made masturbation a hobby. And some girls even did, though it's still discreet. All I can say about it is that, being curious and testing everything that life can offer is...normal.

Though there are disadvantages about these things, people can't help but be perpetually absorbed by sex. No profound explanation, just enough sense to understand that it is something that is typical, in the way our body should be.

NCAE Crap.

2007-01-11T18:26:00.000+08:00

Fuck NCAE [National College Assessment Examination].

All seniors out there, you probably know what I'm talking about. I mean, every senior in the whole Philippines is practically cramming for this one heck of examination, which sole purpose is to determine whether you really fit your chosen course or what.

Okay. I'll lay down the cards. It has its pros and cons. Everything has. I mean, there are always two sides in a coin.

And with the DepEd's side, I have nothing against it. Yes, it's better that as early as now, we could determine our abilities and see where we could excel. It's practical cause: (1.) it saves money; (2.) it saves time; (3.) and it could somehow prevent the increasing rate of underemployment.

And with this nationwide examination, the DepEd is spending billions. Talk about saving money. Yeah, it's for the pag-asa ng bayan's future, but what about those children who can’t even manage to have decent classrooms, chairs, books, etc? How about our underpaid teachers?

Okay, here is my point [It's not that I'm really against it, but I'm a bit disappointed and discouraged.]: it practically robs a student the opportunity to pursue the course that he/she wants to take. I mean, every one of us has different levels of intelligence, and their examinations would evaluate that so-called intelligence. But then, we have different specifications when it comes to intelligence. Okay, given that there's no failed or passed in this examination, but the evaluation written on your form would somehow affect your course. Surely, there would be schools, which would consider the result of your examination. What if you want to take a science-related course and it so happened that you failed the science examination? And then the school that you chose would not admit you to their program, would that mean that you have to give up wanting to pursue that course? Under the circumstances, it would really be you to blame cause you did not study, right? But under some circumstances, we can't help to fuck things up if it's really meant, right? And if the results would force you to take a course that you really don't want, how are you gonna finish it if you're not even interested with the program?

*Sigh.*

But then, it's already here. I just hope it would amount to something useful someday.

The Floating Vessel and Beyond.

2007-01-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

Due to this sore eyes of mine (I hope it really is just sore eyes. It seems a little different. The leftmost side of my left eye is the only part infected. As to the rightmost side of my left eye, it seems normal. Yech. I'd have it check tomorrow.), we had a spontaneous gala in Manila with my friend (whom I force to also take the school off today. I am such a BI!).

She was the one who presented me with the idea of visiting MV Doulos. Maybe you haven't heard of that, one way or another. You can find some info here in Wiki or you can just click the name for their site. Anyway, as spontaneously planned, we went there together with my mom (who incidentally works in the Bureau of Customs).

Okay. If you do not like clicking links, here's a brief history: MV Doulos is the world's oldest ocean-going passenger ship (according to their sticker.) The crews are from different nations. The ship does not look that old (at least for me) and that's not why I went there. Apparently, it's also known as the floating/sailing bookstore. It carries book around the world.

Personally, I expected too much from the vessel. I expected that I could choose and buy from a wide variety of books at a much cheaper price.

No, I'm not disappointed with the price. It's way cheaper than local bookstores. There, you could buy dictionaries, almanacs, guides, self-help, and inspirational books at a price ranging from P100-P700 (based from what I saw around). There are also CD's and tapes available, mostly contains Christian and classical songs (Brahms, Beethoven, etc.). There are plenty of children's books around at a price a parent can enjoy.

But for a fiction aficionado like me? It's not the place for me.

They have a limited selection for fiction, mostly about inspirational romance stories. And most books do not suit my taste.

But I love their vanilla ice cream. Hmm.

"Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary."

- Frank L. Visco

A Word of Thanks.

2007-01-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Okay, I'd admit I was wrong with this post. I just realized that Ralph is right with what he said.

"…i do not agree with the numbers 1, 2, and 3.

1. its your blog. the hell do people care of the content! its your shit! bloggers and other visitors do not dictate what you write there.

if its BS, then its your BS, walang pakielamanan.

2. its really up to you if you want to visit them or not. its not a MUST. it is not an OBLIGATION of some sort.

3. as you've said, 'respect'. you also have to respect the comments that people give you. even if its only a lousy "ok". be thankful that they commented on your shit.

tulad nga ng sabi ko dati sa isa kong post, "wala akong pakielam kung walang bumasa ng mga isinusulat ko. i blog because i want to release shit. kapag may bumisita, consolasyon ko na yun. kapag may nagkomento, para ko na ring napanalunan ang grand prize."

blogging is not about impressing other people with your stories and the like. for me, blogging is all about freedom of expression. the shits that you want to release. dont hold back.. no one's forcing you to.

"blog to express, not to impress" as they say..."

I just realized that I should not judge people with what they say. I should be thankful to everyone who cares to drop me a word or two about my thoughts.

I just want to thank YOU for even bothering to read my BS.

Drunk With Politics.

2007-01-04T19:48:00.000+08:00

Whether I like it or not, politics had already left its mark on me.

Whoever said that power is addicting does not lie. I testify to this statement, as the power that I have right now in my hands is way more than what my fellow students could have.

But I don't want to be where I am right now.

Did I really want to be a member of the student council? A prominent member, at that? If not, then why did I run on the election? Why did I undergo all the trouble of talking in front of people I barely even know and convince them that I could make a change? Why, in the first place, did I have my lips touch the poisonous wine of politics?

Curiosity, the promise of power, the thirst to prove myself pushed me to accept that offer to run. Sheer luck made me won, even having the third highest vote among the ten contenders vying for the top five slots allotted.

Triumph came wrapped in an elegant gift.

But do you know what was inside that gift?

Responsibilities. Stress. Pressure.

I tried to keep up with everything. And I am proud to say that I did surpass and proved something. I made good impressions among school administrators who expected the less of me. I became someone.

Yeah. Someone. Someone who only got air up in her head.

Siesta Problem.

2007-01-03T18:54:00.000+08:00

My head is aching. It's as if somebody just hammered me in the head.

Ever since I was a kid, I am such a sleepyhead. Di masandig, tulog. Though I am such a sucker for sleep, I sleep late at night, wake up at about nine in the morning, and sleeps again in the afternoon [if there are no classes].

My sleeping pattern sucks.

And what does this have to do with my headache?

Ow, I get my headaches from my siesta. Every time I would have a siesta, expect me to have it at least one hour, not the usual thirty minutes nap. And then, when I wake up, my head is already pounding and my mind is reeling. My mind would always be in a limbo.

It always happens every time I have one of my siestas. Instead of feeling refreshed, I would feel like I've been through some mind limbo and I would be disheveled.

So, why, oh, why is this happening to me?

Any explanations?

That Forgiving Matter.

2007-01-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

Forgive and forget. Did you ever believe in the meaning of those words?

I, myself, had been a devout follower of the said praise. As sorry is the hardest word to say, I know it takes a lot of effort for a person to say a heartfelt and sincere sorry for something he/she had done.

But time always changes somebody. And now, I don't believe on those words anymore.

Oh, yeah. Of course, I forgive. There's no point letting yourself hang on to your anger and let it ruin your life, right? If we keep ourselves angry with someone, we cannot deny that that anger could somehow affect how we interact with other people, especially that person that you've had a conflict with.

But forget? Nah. I may be somebody na butas ang utak at megakalimot, but I don't forget offenses that easily. Granted that I may have forgiven you, but the treatment and the openness between us is not the same anymore.

And you know, it's really all about trust and the part of yourself that you have given that person. Light offenses are easy to forgive, but those instances that somebody would hurt the hell out of you? Haha. Nobody can hurt you as much if you have given not him or her permission to hurt you and have not been vulnerable to him or her.

Somehow, we cannot help it if we ourselves would get hurt or that we would hurt somebody. It's a part of life. The only thing that we can control in our life is how we deal and react to it.

And the best thing to do? Forgive...And be careful.

A Vision of A New Beginning.

2006-12-30T15:38:00.000+08:00

I slipped the turtle necked white sweater over my head. The temperature's getting chilly. It's almost sunset, and I don't want to miss the view of the sun setting over the mountains.

I tucked my bag containing my laptop, digital camera, and Internet modem under my left arm. On my right, a bottle of wine balanced, just to warm me up in this cold place.

I left the old manor house that I rented. I threaded the small cobblestones around the patio down the trail going to the mountains. I walked a about half a mile. Finally seeing a spot where I may contain myself, I sat down the worn grass.

The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Since I was young, I really wanted to get here, in Sagada. I don't know when my obsession with this place started, but since I heard of the name, something inside me tells me that I should go here. And at the age that marks the quarter of a century, I finally made it.

I made it a point to go here alone. I don't want anyone trailing me around and telling me stories about whatever goddamn things concern them all. This is my escape from the ever-demanding life that I have in Manila. I've been through a lot, and I desperately need this.

I opened the bottle of wine and drank it straight from the bottle. Warmth filled my body. It was a good way to fight off the chilly atmosphere. About three gulps and I put it down.

I set up my laptop and Internet modem. I waited for the signal that the modem had connected with the Internet. As soon as it beeped, I immediately opened my blog.

Ha. My blog. For a decade, I have tried profusely to keep a blog. A year or more, I would stick with one address, and when bored, move with another. Then, I'd get tired and I'd stop. Then I'll come back on the circle again. A never-ending cycle took me in this world.

I'd met a fair set of friends there. But no one lasted long enough to be somebody whom I can really rely on to. In my in and out cycle, I know I can never make friends with anyone that long.

Surfed and surfed. That's all I did until the darkness enveloped my surroundings. My wine bottle is almost empty. And I don’t know why the heck am I doing staying on that spot.

I stumbled upon something. Ah, good old Blogger. My first love, first listener, my ever-first. I punched in my account and ransacked my brain for my password. Having successfully remembering it, I opened the blogs I kept there.

And there I kept reading and reading. My dreams, my frustrations, my emotions, my everything, my life. Tears were flowing from my eyes, but still I would laugh my heart out. I can’t believe I can be this crazy. My youth was flowing out of me.

I laughed. I cried. I smiled. As I reminisced everything, I can only wonder on what I have done with my life.

Maybe, now's the time to start all over again.

Conflict Between Parents and Teenage Children.

2006-12-28T22:09:00.000+08:00

Ever wonder why a conflict between a teenager and his/her parent is universal?

Ow, I've wondered about that quite a few times. As always, when you're in high school, you would not miss stories about your classmates having problems with their parents, regardless of what the cause of the problem was.

Even here in the blogging world, I've read posts, especially written by teens, bragging about their problems about their parents, most commonly those saying that their parents do not understand them at all.

When I think about it, I still cannot decipher why. I mean, why is it that parents always seem to misunderstand their own child? And why is it that the child cannot see through the sermons and limitations that the parents set for them?

Teenagers, as we grow and discover the world, feel and see certain things that are new to us. These things may lead to confusion. Our confusion may be turned to other things, for these other things may give us certainty and confidence in a world where we are just discovering things. These certain things may not be understandable to our parents, but these things, whatever they may be, is our choice. And choosing is a sign that we are growing on our own.

Parents, as we all know, worries about our future. Worrying for them is perpetual, for our good is their mindset. They don't like it that we make the wrong choices, for the wisdom that they've gained through the years taught them how harsh life can be.

These reasons are universal. Whatever may be the situation between a parent and a child, these things are always present. But these things also make it hard for both parties to understand each viewpoint.

So, where's the common ground?

A Little Child.

2006-12-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

I want to rant about something so, SO unexpected that happened just this Christmas eve.

Where am I gonna start? Let's see. Take a look first at this picture.

Yup. It's a baby, alright. So, what's with this baby?

Remember that Surf commercial? The one with the baby named Moses [but has the name Anna imprinted on the clothing]?

It's almost like that. Almost. The difference is that this baby, only one-day old as of now [it's birthday is December 24, born around 1 o'clock in the morning], is a gift to my tito, from a family friend.

So, clearly, the baby is an ampon. There really is no problem. But the story behind the baby is too much for me to take.

The baby was bought from a midwife. The original price of the baby was P15,000, but the 'family friend' had it at P12,000. Diyos ko. Para ka lang bumili ng tuta sa pet shop. For God's sake! This is a kid! A Child!

Apparently, the midwife provides shelter for these pregnant, runaway women and when they have given birth, if they don't want their child, the midwife would sell their child at negotiable prices. Ayos din ang raket ng komadronang 'to, no?

Okay. Fast forward. The baby is now under the care of my tito, my single, CAREFREE tito [He's gay, btw, around 29 years old]. Kamusta naman yon? I know how irresponsible my tito is. And this child, still nameless and doesn't have a birth certificate yet, is under his care.

Sana nga maturuan ng batang 'to ang tito ko kung paano humawak ng ganito kalaking responsibilidad.

Responsibilities. Life. Money. A child. Imagine, these things, the life of a child, is this easy to buy?

You can buy the life of a child now.

To this little child, I wish you good luck. As in tons of good luck.

My Friends.

2006-12-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

With the usual bouts of craziness that radiate from my house every time my friends are around, I suddenly felt relaxed. It had been a week-break from all the troubles school could bring [and a week without allowance, too]. It had been a week since I last saw them.

God, I missed them so much.

Let me tell you who they are.

1. Erika Cubian ['Eka'] – My tolerant listener. The one who constantly tells me that I'm stupid. The anime addict. The silent keeper of her feelings and opinions, regardless of what’s happening. A dreamer. Believes in fortune telling. Voluptuous. Scary when angry. Loves cute things.

2. Christian Glen Frani ['Frani'] – My greatest 'alaskador'. My 'moon'. Smart when provoked. Tamad. The artist [he’s very good in sketching]. Metaphor giver. Sensible both in writing and speaking. Completely insane. Secretive. Great listener and adviser.

3. Ivy Rose Dumaguing ['Ivy'] – My 'Ms. Perfect'. Singer. Irrepressible giggles. Claps and jumps when excited. Boy-crazy. Long-legged. Photogenic. Also loves cute things.

4. Mark John Bunyi ['MJ'] – [Yikes. Now, where am I going? Haha.] My constant 'makulit' and 'nakakainis' nagger. Loves tickling my 'bilbil'. Also photogenic. Great set of teeth. The one with whom I debate with and shout at regularly. Tamad. Plays the piano and guitar. Girl[and gay]-magnet [?].

5. Sheina Fernandez ['Xen'] – My drama queen. Crybaby. Pikon. Sex guru [?]. Brokenhearted [?]. Kulot [Ow, she got her hair straightened!]. Punkistang kikay. Have already tried smoking and drinking excessively. Suicide contemplator. Member of the dark side.

At their usual temperament, they are these people.

*Only Frani, Xen and MJ are in this video.

They made my high school life fun and unforgettable. I've been with them through thick and thin, heartbreaks and hook-ups, food and alcohol bashes, movie pops, music jamming, laughter and sadness, tears and joy, life.

You know, guys, that I would never ever tell you this in person:

I love you, guys. I'd always will.

Back After Five Days.

2006-12-21T13:28:00.000+08:00

Four days before the so-called birth of Christ, I came back. Why, may you ask, did I suddenly go invisible from the blogging world?

Forgive me for bragging on like this, but I suddenly went tired of everything. I don't know. It’s just that it's hard to maintain this space of mine and keep people interested onto what's going on with me and around me. I am tired of bloghopping and reading the same page and waiting for a god-sent whatever from above. I am tired of the circle that I am in.

Suddenly, I wanted to get out.

But after five days without even taking a peek of my blog, here I am, back to the same old space to rant about what's going on with my life and the world.

Ow. I just remembered that it really is Christmas. I just don't feel it, you know. Yeah, I know that I'm not the only one who keeps on whining why I really don't feel Christmas. All I know is that just because it's Christmas, I get to have a two-week vacation.

Some updates:

You remember that post about me confessing something whatever to a friend of mine named MJ [I deleted that post, btw]?

So, to get you updated on what's happening between us, we sorta got into this trouble because of that post. Apparently, he read it. And we sort of got into this limbo where I don't understand him anymore, neither does he understand me. I bragged our other friends unto this trouble of ours.

I really lost hope and I was about to end our three-year friendship.

But, things turned out in an unexpected twist. I realized I really don't love him at all and that I was just troubled with my own issues. He, himself, had a problem of his own. It so happened that we couldn't find our common ground.

And now? Yeah. We're okay. We're into joking terms again. It's as if nothing happened. But the issue that lasted a month is now a taboo subject.

Temporary Blogleave.

2006-12-16T20:43:00.000+08:00

Gonna go in a temporary blogleave. I don't know when I'm coming back.

The Metaphor of The Wines.

2006-12-14T20:11:00.000+08:00

For a very long time in your life, you had been used to drinking the same wine over and over again. This wine made a lasting and familiar taste on your tongue. Though familiar as it is, you never get tired of it for you enjoy it thoroughly every time you have a drink of it.

When the wine ran out and even after enormous efforts of having it back again, you can't. Then, as you were tired of trying to find the same old wine, you noticed another bottle that was just in your cellar the whole time. You did not notice that it was just there, waiting for your attention.

You tasted the ignored wine. The taste was not the same as the old one. It was different, not as delicious as the old one, but great and unique in a different way. You started to enjoy it, too, although the pursuit to find the old wine still continues. And even if you are delighted with the taste of the ignored wine, you still can't help but yearn for the old one.

Under unexpected twists of fate, you managed to find the old wine. When its taste once again filled your taste buds, you were so happy that you unintentionally forgot the ignored wine that made you happy and accompanied you when the old wine was not available.

Conscience hit you. You felt so cruel as to overlooking the value the ignored wine gave you.

But then again, you wanted the old wine back. You still want to keep the ignored wine. But drinking both of them at the same time would make you drunk. You're not even sure if you can handle both without neglecting one of them.

What would you do?

Running Out.

2006-12-11T20:36:00.000+08:00

My creative juices are running out. And it's hard to deal with.

Waaaahh! I know I should not pressure myself. I'm not, really. I just can't believe that after all this time, with me writing about things whenever I can, I can't write about anything at all.

I know it's not a wonder for a writer [at heart, I supposed] if he/she had ran out of something to say. Or to narrate, tackle or whatever, in the least.

I just realized, it's not easy being a writer at all. You must have dedication and patience with your craft. Some people view writing as easy as ABC. Fact is, no, it's not. It is not easy to find the right words to say to describe what you felt for the moment, nor it is easy to make your readers feel what you felt. It is never easy to finish a story that you started, knowing all the sides and the thrill to finish it had left you.

Nothing is easy in writing.

Fears? WTF?

2006-12-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

Kinakabahan. Natatakot.

Precisely what I am feeling right now [it is around 9:30 in the evening]. It's hard to explain, really.

Let's just put it this way. Before, I was thinking to myself that I am SO ready to face it, too eager even. But when things did not turn out in the way I expected it to be, I was hurt. I was too hurt that the pessimistic side of me crept its way into the surface. I lost hope. I thought of the worst. And I expected that that would happen.

I thought that one way or another, it's going to finish. Oh yes, something ended. That, I'm pretty sure of.

What I did not expect was that something, after all the lessons that we're supposed to learn have been learned [I hope], is beginning. It's beginning all over again.

And when I thought I have moved on, that I am ready to face life without that something that I want, it is coming back. I don't want to assume that it really is going in a way that is supposed to make everything better, but yes, it is.

So, what am I doing here, bragging about things getting better?

Just like what I said up there, I am afraid. I could not believe that everything is happening like this. I am not supposed to feel this way. I SHOULD BE GLAD. WTF?

I hate feeling these fears that are creeping up. But these things make me human.

A To-do List.

2006-12-07T17:29:00.000+08:00

To-do list for the month of December:

1. Study PHYSICS [as in NOW].

2. Teach varsity players [tomorrow].

3. Pass the belen project [tomorrow].

4. Review [whenever I want to].

5. Have my clearance for the exam signed [tomorrow].

6. Take the third periodical test [Saturday and Monday].

7. Have my mom get my report card for the second quarter [Saturday].

8. Practice for the speech choir [whenever WE want to, which so happened to be impossible].

9. Speech choir [December 13].

10. Retrieve information for my articles [ASAP].

11. Pass four articles for our school paper [before December 16].

12. Go to school during Christmas vacation [for three times a week].

13. Smile [AMAP--as much as possible].

14. Go out with my friends and watch a movie [ASAP].

15. Laugh my heart out [AMAP].

16. Fix my TINY, LITTLE problem, which has consumed me for the past month [before Christmas--it's Christmas, after all]

17. Make the by-laws of the Student Council [before the opening of classes on January].

18. Chill out from all the pressure I'm under [ASAP].

19. Watch DVD's [ASAP].

Uber-busy? Not really.

Blue Moon.

2006-12-05T17:52:00.000+08:00

Once in a blue moon...

I'm pretty sure, one way or another, you have heard of this phrase. As you all know, it's an idiom that means 'rare'. Oftentimes, we would hear this phrase used in metaphorical statements.

I, myself, have often used this one. It's one of my favorite idioms, actually. I came across this one when a film with a title "Blue Moon" joined the Metro Manila Film Festival. I'm sure as hell those who have seen the movie would always remember the wiped-ass acting of Mark Herras [He did not justify the role. He sucked!] and the too redundant story.

Now, why does 'blue moon' mean very rare? It's because it really is rare. Blue moon is the second full moon in a month. As we all know, there can only be one full moon in a month. And for those who thought the moon really turns blue, sorry folks, it doesn't.

The last blue moon happened in July 31, 2004. This rare event would happen again on June 30, 2007 [see chart].

So, what's with the 'blue moon' thing? Nothing, really. I just remembered it meant something to some.

As I am a member of that 'some', I believe that a 'blue moon' means second chance. Apparently, as I was gazing at the bright, big and luminous moon last night, I wished it was a blue moon in my life.

Cause right now, the pursuit for a second chance is still farfetched.

Not Destined For Babysitting.

2006-12-03T16:37:00.000+08:00

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

Came the shrill voice of my two-year old cousin. It, as it always will, hurt my ears.

My God, if I could just strangle the little child.

No, don't get me wrong. I'm not a child-hater. Okay. Maybe just a tiny little bit. I can handle children, really. But if the child screams like those children that can fill up batteries in Monster, Inc, I'm pretty sure this child would have filled more than ten batteries.

I'm confident that I can handle a child, children even, for an hour or so. But make it more that twelve hours and I'd probably leave the child to go hungry and cry for all I care. It does not help that I was once a child and that I was also like that. So sue me.

A pretty good explanation for this inherent impiety of mine is that, I was never used to noise at home. If it happened that you grew up in a home that only houses three persons [namely you, your brother that you always fight with and your mom that nags you constantly], the noise of a child and the patience to deal with it would not run in your veins.

But there were times that I can boast that I have successfully handled children. Like these:

1. When a cousin of mine, barely two-years old, was left in my care for approximately six hours, I was able to go through it. Worst case was that she threw up on my shoulder which left me an amoy-suka babysitter. And well, she became sick under my care. Haha.

2. When I went to Elsie Gaches [an orphanage-like institution which houses children and adults alike who had mental incapacity and were abandoned], a child bit me in my arms and hand. But hey, even though I really want to strangle him, I was able to force myself not to.

3. I thought a number of kids, about seven, a dance number for an event.

4. I was able to organize a game for street children in a Christmas party.

So you see, I may have a tiny little bit hate for children, I can handle them [I think]. Oh well, it may change in the future.

Love and Concern.

2006-12-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

"Minsan, kwentuhan tayo, ah."

That was what my mom said when I was going to leave for school last Wednesday. I really don't know the implication of what she said. I just thought she might want to hear my stories from our retreat.

But I was wrong. Or so, I think.

Just Wednesday night, as I don't have the appetite and mood for telling stories, I was too silent over dinner.

"Nag-retreat ka lang, tumahimik ka na."

I'm a loquacious person. I rarely shut my mouth, not unless I'm depressed or I'm doing something. Then, came my cell phone. She used it for a few days. When I finally got my hand over it, I was quick to return it to its previous settings, as my mom would constantly change it.

Then, as I browse over the archive, I saw messages, a conversation with someone about my so-called problem, a conversation with his cousin. And it struck me like lightning.

"Binasa niyo ba yung archive ko?"

"Bakit ko babasahin yon? Nirerespeto ko ang privacy niyo. Kahit pa mga anak ko kayo."

Too guilty. I can sense guilt in her answer. It's easy to see right through it.

Later that night, when I was browsing the net, she sat beside me. And began talking.

"May problema ka ba? Wag ka mahihiyang sabihin sa akin."

"Binasa niyo yung archive ko."

"Oo. Galit ka ba? Anak, wag ka magagalit sa akin. Ginawa ko naman lahat para maiwasan na mangyari yun. At kung may problema ka, wag ka mahihiya magsabi sa akin. I can be your mom, as well as your friend."

No. I did not say anything. Tears just flowed from my eyes. I can see that she's really concerned with what I've been encountering in the past few days.

With eyes still teary, I said, "Hindi ako galit."

Meeting Again.

2006-11-30T09:42:00.000+08:00

Isn't it funny when we see again a former acquaintance or a friend?

At the most unexpected place, I saw a former friend yesterday in St. Joseph's Academy. The DOPPSA [Diocese of Paranaque Parochial Schools Association] is conducting a sportsfest, which houses all the member schools of this organization.

I met him in a seminar that we both attended last August. The seminar was fun and I did not expect that I would somehow, make friends. As my school is one of the schools, which has the lowest tuition, it was kinda degrading that we were socializing with the students of this posh schools. The students have breeding, grace and elegance that are clearly invisible with my own kin.

But what I liked about him is that he did not even mind that my tuition times two is his tuition. He did not mind that it fairly looked like he was a level higher than me in terms of material wealth.

It was nice, talking to him again and updating each other on our lives. I met his best friends, and he met mine [the one that I was talking about in my previous posts. Update on our relationship right now? Better not ask about it. Let's just say we're in a seesaw. Ow, to give you an idea about him, my friend, I mean, click this.] As our schools are opponents in this sportsfest, we were able to congratulate each other on triumphs.

Although, we're not really that close, it is an accomplishment, at least for me, to make friends with people outside my school community. I'm not a social animal, and sometimes, I really don't like being around with people.

See you on the closing, Adrian.

A Temporary Escape.

2006-11-28T16:43:00.000+08:00

"I'm on a high, on a high. There's nothing more to it."

-Duncan Sheik

After a three-day-and-two-night's escape from the reality of life, what happened to me?

I still am on a high. I still can't get over the fact that I have now returned to my so-called life. I now have to face once again the constant pressure on studies and peers, the nagging of my mom, the daily complaints of my brother, the looming speech choir contest, the addiction on internet and much, much more.

The retreat was what I exactly needed after going through a lot in the past few weeks. As always on retreats, I came to realize a few things about my life, my family, my friends, my dreams, on everything. As always, someone's gotta be closer to God after things like this. And I am no exception.

It was a temporary escape. It was wonderful that I was given enough time to contemplate on what I have done, what I'm supposed to do and what I really wanted to do. It was great that everybody got to listen to what I feel inside and I've got to listen to what they really feel, especially their problems.

I realized I'm lucky, too lucky, in fact. But nay, I may have learned and realized things too much, I may have enjoyed it thoroughly; I may have wanted to stay there for a few more days...

Yet, my life is here and I gotta face it.

One Last Time.

2006-11-23T18:56:00.000+08:00

I swear. This would be the last time I'd talk about this.

I know that most of you, those who have followed this blog, knows this crap about what's happening with a beloved friend and me. Everything really sounds like crap but I can't bear the things that I have here inside. I just want to talk and I want someone to listen.

I am so tired. I am tired of talking and of listening to advices. My friends are tired of listening to my constant whining and they are tired of giving me advice. Gusto na nga nilang iuntog ang ulo ko sa pader. Honestly, if I could only do that, I'd do it.

He's not angry. I'm not angry. But I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated of listening to myself and thinking about what I should do to regain his trust and turn back the things to what it was before. I am tired of talking and relating my story over and over again just to hear advices. More often, contradicting advices. I'm am so worn-out with being so pessimistic about everything and yet, couldn't do a thing about it.

It's so simple. Approach him, talk to him lightly, don't mention anything about the things that happened. It is that simple. So what the fuck am I doing here whining about these things?

I'm too cowardly. I'm too chicken hearted. Nahihiya ako dahil sa mga nangyari. Hindi ko magawang lapitan siya at kausapin tulad ng dati dahil natatakot ako na isantabi niya ako. Takot. Hiya. Pride. That's what's stopping me.

And because I'm stupid, when my friend was giving me a bracelet that was from him, I did not accept it. I said, "Tatanggapin ko lang yan kung siya ang magbibigay." Oo na. Maarte ako. Tanga na rin.

Thanks for reading, by the way. I really appreciate it that you took your time reading this rant of mine. I know what I should do. I just don't have the guts to do it, YET.

Two Sides of Asia and Still Discriminated.

2006-11-21T18:40:00.001+08:00

West may have dominated the Nobel. West may have sent a number of people outside the earth. West may have led to the discovery of thousands of things that we us today. West may have bigger, more expensive and complete laboratories and rich funding.

But watch out, the East is coming out.

I'm pretty sure you know all about it, with Japan, South and North Korea and China making it to the headlines every now and then about new discoveries and development.

Japan has always been in the lead when it comes to robotics. It had dominated the whole world when it comes to technological advances. South Korea, on the other hand, had tried its best in human genetic engineering and somehow made an impact [brush away the Woo-Suk controversy]. Though not as good as it may be, North Korea is rising up with its nuclear weapons and may be holding science too advance than others. China is now funding more and more of its science researches.

Asia is rich in its own way. Biodiversity, culture, hot spots, there are more to the eyes that Asia can offer.

Does Asia need to do more to show to the world that it can progress?

We, as Asians, should be proud of these achievements. But why are Asians still discriminated despite all of these?

I know there are always two sides of the coin. We may as well see that the so-called terrorists roam in our continent. We may as well see that corruption is as common as a stray cat. We are aware of the pollution that we created.

Despite all of these, we are still living and fighting for that respect ought to be given to our kindred.

Just how in the world did this thing happen?

R's and R's of A Blogger.

2006-11-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

When you're a blogger, you must learn certain rules and shoulder responsibilities that go with the free expression of thoughts in this world.

I've been a blogger since August. I took the month of October off. But since then, blogging had always been a part of my life.

Certain rules and responsibilities apply. Some are:

1. Make your posts sensible and readable to all people. Don't post anything that only contains bull crap that you know people wouldn't care about.

2. Be responsible and visit all the people that are in your links.

3. Don't comment if you have nothing good to say. If you cannot share your ideas and you're just thinking about 'Yeah, I agree', or 'Yeah, you're sooo right', or whatsoever that does not even relate to what the post was about, shut your mouth up.

4. When giving a comment, do not just pick a certain word in that post and talk crap about that word. WORDS make up a whole post.

5. Make the font of your posts readable. Too big or too little fonts spoil the content.

6. RESPECT other people's opinion. If you do not agree, you can raise your point but you don't need to start World War III.

7. Ask questions when you feel like it. But make sure it is the question of a reasonable and educated person.

8. You don't necessarily have to receive comments on those blogs that you often comment in.

9. But to be fair, if you receive comments from people, comment back on their blogs.

So far, that's all I can think of.

Got yours? Share it here.

[Edit] In regards with what Utakgago said, yes, 8 and 9 are contradicting. But it's your choice if you would return comments or whatever. [/Edit]

Fantastic or Horrific?

2006-11-17T18:34:00.001+08:00

When I think of how this week went by and passed, I can only stare at nothing.

The events are quite shallow with fate's twist and turns. Happenings are like that of water; you can see it, feel it but you can never keep it in your hand once you try to control it.

I don't know why this week seemed like a big adjustment for me. Since the school started after the semestral break, now's the only time that I can feel I really am learning something. Not just academically, but more on myself and the things around me.

To tell the truth, I am about to lose a three-year friendship forged by time, love and that impenetrable trust. I thought nothing could break that friendship until things took a sudden turn and I'm dealing with it upside down.

It was my fault, really. Originally my fault. But clash of pride and ego took place that's why we are having a horrific communication right now. I really don't want to blame the whole thing on me, even though I admit it was my fault. Yeah, I know. It's pride speaking once again.

I don't know if this trouble caused us any solace. Aside from rediscovering who I really am, what I want and what I can/not live with/out, I discovered quite some things about him that I haven't noticed before. I saw things in a different perspective. I got to listen to other persons' thoughts and have opened myself to some people who I did not expect, cared for me more than I thought they do.

It's this time that I learned the true value of friendship, sacrifice and listening. God definitely justifies every challenge that He puts on our way.

Whatever may be the result of this dilemma, I hope it's the best for all of us.

Minsan May Isang Puta.

2006-11-15T18:49:00.000+08:00

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko
puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit,
binabayaran. Sabi nila ako daw ang
pinakamaganda at pinakasikat sa
aming lugar noon. Ang bango-bango ko
daw, sariwa at makinis. Di ko nga
alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito
naletse ang kinabukasan ko.

Tara makinig ka muna sa kwento ko,
yosi muna tayo. Alam mo, maraming
lumapit sa akin, nagkagusto, naakit.
Ang hirap pag lahat sa iyo virgin eh.
Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit
kaya nila ako ginago? Masakit
alalahanin, iniisip ko na lang na
kase di sila taga rito, siguro
talagang ganoon. Tatlong malilibog
na foreigners ang namyesta sa
katawan ko, na-rape ako.

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa,
ang pinakahuli ang di ko makaka-
limutan. Parang maski di ko ginusto
ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap
ko siya. Tinulungan nya kasi akong
makalimutan yung mga sadistang Hapon
at Coño.

Kase, ibang-iba ang hagod niya.
Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing
ginagamit niya ako. Ibang klase siya
mag-sorry, lalo pa at kinupkop niya
ako at ang mga naging anak ko.

Parating ang dami naming regalo -
may chocolates, yosi, ano ka! May
datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya, alam
kong ginagamit nya lang ako pero
pagamit naman ako nang pagamit.

Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-inggles,
di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa!
Hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat
ang problema ko, siya ang tinatak-
buhan ko. Yun nga lang, lahat ng
bagay may kapalit. Nung kinasama ko
siya, guminhawa buhay namin.
Sosyal na sosyal kami.

Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal
na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy
na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-
unti niya akong pinapatay. Putang
Ina! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya
sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag.

Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga
ko. Patalsikin ko na daw. Sa tulong ng
mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang animal
pero ang hirap magsimula. Masyado na
kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na
naranasan namin sa kanya. Lubog na
lubog pa kami sa utang, kulang ata
pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga
inutang namin.

Sinikap naming lahat maging maganda
ang buhay namin. Ayun, mga nasa
Japan, Hong Kong, Saudi ang mga
anak ko. Yung iba nag-US, Europe.
Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos
lahat, wala naman silbi, masaya daw
sa piling ko, maski amoy usok ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap
na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya
din ang dami ng mga anak ko na
namamantala sa kabuhayan at kayamana
na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang
kinabukasan naming lahat. Dumating ang
panahon na di na kami halos makaahon
sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil
nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Ang di ko inaakala ay mismong mga
anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin.
Napakasakit tanggapin na malinlang.
Akala ko ay makakakita ako ng magiging
kasama sa buhay sa mga ahas na
ipinakilala ng mga anak ko Hindi pala.
Ang tanga ko talaga. Binugaw ako ng
sarili kong mga anak kapalit ng kwarta
at pansamantalang ginhawa na nais
nilang matamasa.

Wala na akong nagawa dahil sa sobrang
pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak. Wala
akong ibang yaman kundi ganda ko.
Pinagamit ko na lang ng pinagamit ang
sarili ko, basta maginhawa lang ang
mga anak ko.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko.
May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa.
Puta na kase ang isang magandang tulad
ko.

Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa
pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng
letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng
palaki. Kulang na kulang. Paano na lang
ang mga anak ko naiwan sa aking
punyetang puder? Baka di na ako balikan
o bisitahin ng mga nag-abroad kong mga
anak. Hindi na importante kung laspagin
man ang ganda ko, madama ko lang ang
pagmamahal ng mga anak ko. Malaman
nila na gagawin ko ang lahat para sa
kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin,
alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa
din ang bilib sa akin. Napapag usapan
pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha
ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga
anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko
ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga
ng mga anak ko, namamayagpag kahit saan
sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong
gawin. Tama man o mali. Proud ako sa
kanila. Kaso sila, kabaligtaran ang
nararamdaman para sa akin.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang
may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit
man, nahihilaw. Ni di nga ako kiniki-
lalang ina. Halos lahat sila galit sa
isa't isa. Walang gusto magtulungan,
naghihilahan pa. Ang dami ko ng pasakit
na tiniis pero walang sasakit pa nung
sarili kong mga anak ang nagbugaw sa
akin. Kinapital ang laspag na ganda ko.
Masyado silang nasanay sa sarap ng
buhay. Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa salamin,
ni hindi ko na nga kilala sarili ko.

Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana
maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko.
Isang buwan pa, magbabagong taon na.
Natatakot ako sa taong darating.
Ngayon pa lang usap usapan na ang
susunod na pagbubugaw ng ilan sa mga
anak ko. Sana may magtanggol naman
sa akin, ipaglaban naman nila ako.
Gusto kong isigaw:

"INA NINYO AKO! MAHALIN NYO NAMAN AKO!"

Sige, dumadrama na ako. Masisira na
ang make up ko nito eh. Salamat ha,
pinakinggan mo ako. Ay sorry, di ko
nasabi pangalan ko.

Pilipinas nga pala.

This was posted sometime in the Bobongpinoy mailing list.

I hope this had somehow touched your nationalistic side.

Family Day, Sunday.

2006-11-13T07:55:00.000+08:00

It's quite observable that Filipinos still consider Sunday as the family day.

There was a period of time that even my brother, my mom and me could not use this day to spend time together. Too many activities around the house, school and work would consume the ample time this day could allow our family to get in touch with each other.

I can see that my mom is trying very hard to make going to church every Sunday a habit. You see, our family does not go to church. Before. And yesterday, I guess, would be the start of this weekly habit.

We went to have the mass at Festival Mall, Alabang. Mass are now being celebrated in malls, would you believe that? Anyway, as I observed other people, I noticed quite a few things.

1. When giving the peace, family members kiss each other.

2. There was this one girl whom you can see is trying to very hard to reach a woman's hand during The Lord's Prayer. But she could not.

3. A lot of yawns can be seen from the goers.

4. After the mass, you can bet that people would go inside the mall.

Does your family spend Sunday as the family day?

Complexity of the Masculine.

2006-11-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

How does it feel to be a man?

I've always wondered about this. Since I was little, I would wonder why there are so many differences between me and my playmates that are guys. I wonder why they would prefer kicking and punching each other, while me and my girl friends prefer playing lutu-lutuan. I wonder why they would always choose a toy car or soldier and make those funny noises while playing with those.

And then, in certain games that we play together, I think why in a bahay-bahayan, they need always to play as the tatay and me as the nanay. Then, in patintero, langit-lupa, two base, sili-sili and habulan, they would not get tired easily.

When I entered the stage of adolescence, I became more fascinated with how it is to be a man. I discovered a world of complexity; masculinity that cuts through my being but still is very gentle. I became confused with how I am going to deal with this so I tried to shut out men from my world.

In came the issue of my father. More and more, I became inquisitive with how men think. Why would my father leave us though he knows the rights and wrongs? Was it a choice or he simply did not have any choice?

Soon came my first love. Was it simply that easy to reject me and throw away my ignorance?

Then my brother. He is so nonsense, at times when he answers back to my mom. His reasons are lame, more so, he is not using the proper tone to defend himself against the constant nagging. But it still is disrespectful. I know he knows what is right. Still, he justifies his wrong action by another wrongdoing.

I really don't understand the opposite sex. I would wish, always wish, that somehow, for a week, I could play the part of the masculine and see the world through their eyes.

Good Luck Left.

2006-11-11T02:56:00.000+08:00

It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm damned awake for that big activity.

I slept early last night. That was around seven o'clock. That was because I'm so damn tired physically and emotionally, I don't know how I'm gonna get through today.

Let's just put it on the dot. I was totally hopeless yesterday. It just seemed like the best of luck left us [particularly me].

The route of the supposed project is the Filinvest Corporate City. And FCC did not let us use their vicinity. Bullshit.

My friend, my very, very special friend, is ignoring me for reasons undefined. I cannot talk to him. He does not talk to me. For particularly no reason at all.

And right now, I have a feeling that everything's not gonna run as smooth as we have planned it. The hundred fifty thousand shrank down to a hundred.

I lost my voice. Completely.

And so, I'm totally emo. I can't think of one thing that'll make me happy.

Or maybe there's one, only he does not talk to me. Not even a smile.

Snapped on The Verge.

2006-11-09T18:29:00.000+08:00

I had been super busy these past few days. We, the student council, is to conduct this fund-raising activity this Saturday. It's an activity wherein we expect to raise one hundred fifty thousand, more or less.

That's quite a big money so the activity's really that BIG [at least for us]. And, oh so tiring.

That's why right now, I'm tired. I'm drained mentally, emotionally and physically. I am on the verge of losing my voice whereas I still have a practical in Music and a report in Economics tomorrow. And as the big day is on Saturday, I expect that work would rise up [again] tomorrow.

I could not believe I was even proud of myself yesterday. Yesterday seemed like ages ago. I can still remember how I kept my cool with the mountain of work that I was dealing with. And that was SO YESTERDAY.

And also, imagine how this activity consumed so much of me. Not only did it affects me in many aspects, it also robbed me of my academics. Missed lessons, quizzes, seat works, everything. My grade's gonna suffer.

This afternoon, I held a meeting, which was attended by more or less, forty people, comprised mainly of homeroom presidents and secretaries from the elementary and high school department. Adjustment of time was needed since we cannot excuse the others from class.

Then this COQC (Citizen Advancement Qualification Course) officer, also excused from class, spoke.

"Ang tagal naman. Wala na akong natutunan sa Physics."

I knew it was supposed to be a joke. But it made me crumble. From my already tired disposition, something snapped inside me.

And snapped in her I did.

"Alam mo, hindi lang ikaw ang nahihirapan. Kung wala kang natutunan, mas lalo kami."

And I realized I was on the verge of crying in front of those forty-something people.

Back to Hell.

2006-11-06T18:44:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I woke up this morning with the polytone of the song "So Sick". Maybe it was just pure coincidence cause I really feel so sick of going to school and fulfilling my duties as a student and try the meet the expectations of whoever the hell is expecting something from me.

I wore the familiar uniform, walked with my brother and cousins, and hailed a tricycle for school. The carbon monoxide emitted by various vehicles around Alabang filled my nostrils. All too common as I encounter it everyday. I actually do not wonder if I would be diagnosed with lung-related problem one of these days.

When nearing the gate, I wore my ID. As usual, I have to greet a few people on my way to my classroom and then, put my heavily laden backpack full of notebooks and whatsoever paraphernalia to my all too familiar seat.

The flag ceremony came with a lot of sweat from everyone. It was so hot. Fans were swung around wildly in hope for a little air to cool down the warm body. The usual morning prayers, national anthem, Panatang Makabayan, school hymn and the vision-mission statement. All too familiar with nothing new and exciting. And most of all, it's tiring.

The bell rang, the first class began and the usual ambiance of sleepiness rolled around the four corners of the classroom all throughout the day. Breaks were, as always, filled with that buzz filled with 'I miss you's and this-is-what-happened-to-me stories.

The demands and deadlines and sermons are back. All too loudly ringing in my ears.

I am back in HELL.

And God, I missed this HELL.

Phone a Fellow Blogger.

2006-11-05T03:20:00.000+08:00

I was just doing my project, the phone rang and then, well, what happened next, as they say is history.

I did not expect that a blogger would call me at nine o'clock last night. I did not even expect that I would talk to a blogger last night. I did not expect that we would talk until twelve thirty this morning. I did not expect that we would talk for more or less, two hundred minutes.

It was all too unexpected, even the knowledge that I've had about him. I was like how he put it in words, awestruck.

Right now, I'm still wondering what came over me that made me talk for three hours. I'm still wondering why, despite the disappointment that I've had, I can still talk to him and tell him stories and listen to his stories. I'm still wondering how from one moment, from the girl who's full of stories, I became a super frank disappointed girl and then, return to who the girl who's full of stories. All of which happened in three hours.

You can say I still have a hangover. Well, who wouldn't? I mean, it's not everyday that you would talk with a fellow blogger. Really. And well, I haven't talked to a fellow blogger before.

It still feels weird. Imagine yourself talking to a fellow blogger on the phone, or maybe, do it. Then let me know how it felt.

***

Please, do update my link.

Events in One Month.

2006-11-03T15:13:00.000+08:00

In the span of one month, whatever happened to your humble servant?

The past month was unnerving, almost quite fulfilling than the past months, with all the high hopes and frustration and nerves that got into me.

Whatever. But I still love life.

1. I ranked 7^thin the class list. Not bad for a start. But definitely, it's gotta be higher. But how are you gonna get that with Physics is a constant pain in the neck?

2. I was overworked and not paid. That is what you get for being a leader. Bah. If I could just resign. I mean, I am not getting paid for all the work, you know!

3. I served a as barangay councilor [kagawad] for a week. I had a close encounter with some officials, but nothing more than that. Geez. I don't even like politics. I detest it.

4. My fifteen-year-old cousin got pregnant [or so she thought]. It sent shivers to my spine. She missed her period for more than three weeks, had three pregnancy tests positive. And then, five days later after bombarding me with the news, she got her period.

5. I realized, admitted to myself that I have been in love with my best friend for some time. It was best to just brush off the knowledge. But it kept on bugging me until I can't help but accept it. That sometime that I mentioned above might have been months, or years. But hell, I do not want this. And it's here.

Read this:

October 26, 2006; 8:52 pm

"Okay, let's put it this way, everyone hurts because of love. Even if she's my friend and I can't offer her anything else but friendship, it's hard but face it. It's reality and it happens!"

October 26, 2006; 9:06 pm

"What do you want me to do? Tell her I love her too even if it's not true? Give her a boost so she'll expect more? Expect that we both can be? That's nonsense. Everyone SHOULD know how it FEELS to hurt and expect. Everyone should go to that phase sooner or later."

It hurts, you know.

Some Explanations.

2006-11-02T19:19:00.000+08:00

There is a lot of explaining to do, right? And I am as sure as hell I am worth of execution by now, a sentence that my fellow bloggers would have given me.

Let's do it the objective type.

1. The absence. It was unexpected and totally bullshit. We had no Internet for a month. Honestly, I cannot believe I survived the past month without my sustenance. It was both the fault of Smart and Globe. Story goes like this contractor of Globe tried out our computer for their modem. After doing so, when I tried to surf the net with Smart's connection, I could not plunge in! I went totally crazy and barged on my mom and everyone else in the house. Not a very pleasant experience, really. So then, still subscribed with Smart, we availed Globe's services. And what a service they got! It took us three weeks to have our phone and modem activated, a far cry from a week that they promised! I was ready to go nuts, or maybe I already did. And then, we had this problem with the LAN card. It took us another week to get a computer technician to fix it for us. Case closed [I hope].

2. The awards. In this part, I want to say I really am sorry. I do not feel like pushing it through anymore. But don't worry, it would still go on. It's now gonna be managed by Rob. I gave him the right. I really am sorry. Here are the nominees, by the way.

Sensible Blogger [Male]

http://tresebry.blogspot.com

http://aethen.blogspot.com

http://www.tabulas.com/~jaywalker_1982/

http://demented-online.blogspot.com

http://kingofchocolates.blogspot.com

http://bokalist.blogspot.com

http://vindication.wordpress.com

http://jhedster.blogspot.com/

http://snack-ng-bayan.blogspot.com

http://vegasfilamguy.blogspot.com

http://harshpoeticchaos.blogspot.com

http://kevz.blogspot.com

http://jaiskizzy.blogspot.com/

Sensible Blogger [Female]

http://krisanta-j.blogspot.com

http://notjustdelusions.blogspot.com

http://exposedvanity.blogspot.com

http://oh.so-stellar.org

http://dhvcat1984.blogspot.com/

http://sexynomad.I.ph

http://grimaced.blogspot.com

http://kikou-shou.blogspot.com

Klown of the Blogosphere [Male]

http://crost23.blogspot.com

http://henerosobistokya.blogspot.com

Drama King

http://icarus05.blogspot.com

http://www.kironobu.blogspot.com/

http://dotep.blogspot.com

http://snack-ng-bayan.blogspot.com

http://rudolfzeus.blogspot.com

http://cooljerk.diaryland.com

Drama Queen

http://fadingreallyfast.blogspot.com

http://juiceee.blogspot.com/

http://grimaced.blogspot.com

Best Photoblog [Male]

http://dvillarey2006.blogspot.com/

http://bulitasin.blogspot.com

http://cancerbreak.blogspot.com

http://iskoo.blogspot.com

http://cruise247.blogspot.com

http://ymirski.blogspot.com

http://jakee.blogspot.com

http://alikishi.multiply.com

http://blinkdream.blogspot.com/

Best Photoblog [Female]

http://frances.effronte.org/

http://grimaced.blogspot.com

http://audreygamulo.com

Popular [Male]

http://vindication.wordpress.com/

http://snack-ng-bayan.blogspot.com

Popular [Female]

http://karmi.manilenya.com

http://www.juiceee.blogspot.com

http://www.manilenya.com

3. The move. As I had been absent for a month, I feel like I need to start anew. It is not that I feel alienated. It is just, that certain something, I just need to leave it with SukobNa.